


I Can't Stay

by twdsunshine



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M, Pre-Apocalypse, Pre-Zombie Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-18 13:00:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13682190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twdsunshine/pseuds/twdsunshine
Summary: Mini-series.  Late In The Day spin-off.  Pre-apocalypse.  The reader has harboured feelings for Daryl Dixon for a long time but, when he doesn’t return her interest, a series of drunken mistakes with Merle leave her as a single mother with no clue what she’s doing.  When Daryl takes an active role in his nephew’s life, will they become the family that she’s always craved, or will his loyalty to his brother prove too strong for them to overcome?





	1. Chapter 1

You cradled the tiny bundle in your arms, holding the new life close to your chest, every little mewl and whimper causing your pulse to race.  You were completely divided in two: half of you completely enraptured by this delicate little baby that had been growing inside of you and delivered out into the world just a couple of hours ago, sure you’d never loved anyone or anything this much before; the other half bitter and angry, wondering how in the hell you’d gotten yourself in to this situation, knocked up by Merle Dixon of all people, and left high and dry, a scared single mother without a clue what you were doing.

A tear leaked from the corner of your eye, dropping onto the soft blanket swaddling your new baby boy and soaking into the fabric, leaving a damp mark which was quickly joined by several more.  You ducked your head, squeezing your eyes shut to try to stop the flood of emotion, and focusing on breathing deeply, the sweet scent of newborn captivating your senses and calming your nerves.

‘Oh, sorry.’ A voice from the doorway startled you, and you glanced up, embarrassed to have been caught in a moment of weakness. You’d refused to show your true feelings about your pregnancy to anyone, putting a brave face on it just like your mama had always taught you, but your hormones were haywire, and now that you were actually solely responsible for this tiny person in your arms it was just too overwhelming.

‘Daryl?’ To your surprise, your eyes met those of Daryl Dixon, Merle’s younger brother, who was backing nervously away from the entrance to your room, the tips of his ears red in the stark fluorescent lights of the hospital ward, his bottom lip caught between his teeth as he chewed on it awkwardly.  'Hey, I’m sorry.  Come on in.’

At your invitation, he edged into the room, keeping his distance and leaning against the wall opposite you, his gaze fixed on the baby in your arms.  'Heard yer brother tellin’ the old girl in the liquor shop ya was in ‘ere.  Wanted to come make sure ya was okay.’

‘I’m fine,’ you nodded, before realising that your face must still be streaked with your tears, revealing your lie instantly.  'I mean, I’m terrified, but… I’m okay.’

‘Ain’t no need t’ be.’

‘Yeah,’ you scoffed.  'I mean, raising a child single-handed with no job and no idea what the hell I’m doing… Nothing to be scared about there, right?’

‘I din’t mean… I just meant y'ain’t alone, tha’s all.’

‘Well, that’s not the impression I got from Merle.’

‘I weren’t talkin’ bout Merle.’  His voice was sharp, his tone biting.  'Ya need anythin’, ya come to me, ya hear me?  Merle don’t need to know.’

You were stunned into speechlessness.  It wasn’t like Daryl to go against his older sibling.  The younger Dixon was his brother’s shadow, following him around town as he got himself into all kinds of shady business and scrapes.  In truth, it had been Daryl that had caught your eye initially, though he had never shown any sign that he’d returned your interest. He was different to the other guys in your town, softer somehow, as if it there was an actual heart beating somewhere behind the sneering mask that he presented to the world.  You’d always thought that he was meant for more than this small town life he’d gotten trapped in, but too many years of being smacked down by Pa Dixon and belittled by his brother had ruined any potential he might have had, leaving him as just another redneck waster, doomed to live the same life his daddy did, and his daddy before him.

‘Why would you do that?’ you rasped, your voice thick with emotion again as his kindness took root in your heart.  

He shrugged, his eyes dropping to the floor as he scuffed his boot along the shiny linoleum.  'Yer family now.’

Nodding slowly, your mind was reeling so much that you actually jumped when the child in your arms gave a small whine, demanding your attention.  You cooed down at him, rocking him gently as his big blue eyes stared vacantly up at you, drool dribbling from his tiny budded lips.

Wiping it away with the corner of the blanket, you raised your eyes back to Daryl, lifting your arms to encourage him to move closer.  'Here, you wanna meet your nephew?’

Daryl took several hesitant steps forward, his eyes widening as he took in the tiny figure you held out to him.  ’S'a boy?’

'Yeah,’ you smiled, enjoying his reaction, his expression of wonder as he reached out a large calloused finger and trailed it over the baby’s chubby little cheek. 'You wanna hold him?’

'Oh, nah, I-’

'It’s okay, Daryl.  Hold out your arms.’  He did as you instructed and you twisted round to place his nephew in the cradle of his elbow.  'Use that hand to support his head… There you go!’

You giggled as Daryl’s look of amazement grew along with his confidence, as your son gurgled in his embrace.  He stepped away from the bed, staring down at the little bundle with awe in his eyes.  

'Sounds like he likes his Uncle Daryl,’ you offered to break the silence, smiling when he looked up with a massive grin on his face.

'He’s a handsome one, ain’t he?  Gonna grow up an’ do big things.  Ya can tell by 'is eyes.’

'I’ll be happy if he just makes it out of this damn town,’ you admitted.  'There’s something about this place.  People just end up stuck here, drinking their lives away.’

An awkward quiet filled the room as you realised you’d pretty much just described the entire Dixon clan.  

'Daryl, I didn’t mean-’

'Hey sis! How’s my little nephew doing?  You given the poor bastard a damn name yet?’ Your brother strolled into the room, interrupting the moment, his choice of language causing you to cringe.  As he noticed Daryl in the corner, the baby cooing quietly against his chest, his cheerful expression dropped and a cool atmosphere descended.  'Well, look who’s here!’

'Here, Y/N.’ Daryl approached the bed, lowering the little body into your arms.  'I’m gon’ take off.’

Before he turned away, his voice hushed, he whispered to you, 'Remember what I said. Ya need anythin’…’

With that, he shoved past your brother who was still frozen by the door, his expression a fierce glare, and disappeared down the corridor.

 

* * *

 

You didn’t see Daryl again for several months.  You had left your parents’ house, despite not really being able to afford your own place.  Your Pa had helped you out, saying it was worth parting with some rent money to get a good night’s sleep, having grumbled every morning about how nice it would be to get some uninterrupted rest.  Since you’d moved into your new place though, envelopes of cash had started appearing semi-regularly, tucked into the plant pot beside your front door.  There was never a note, nothing to indicate who had left it, but somehow you knew it was the younger Dixon.  You forced yourself to employ a don’t-ask attitude to the money, knowing it was unlikely to be clean, but it enabled you to keep your son in diapers and ensured that you could eat at least one square meal a day. Generally, everything was ticking along nicely, most of your early fears gone, but you still felt trapped.  You wanted to be out working, earning money, creating a life and a future for your little boy, but it just didn’t seem possible. Finding part-time work that paid enough to cover a sitter and have some leftover to live on wasn’t an easy task.

'It sounds perfect,’ you grumbled to Mrs B, the lady who ran the local liquor store, as you stood by the cash register.  'I could totally do that job, and the hours would fit in around this little one.’

You bounced the carrier on your arm gently, lulling the semi-conscious baby back to sleep as you spoke.  You’d popped in to see the shopkeeper on your way back from visiting your folks.  You’d known Mrs B since you were tiny, and you knew she liked to be kept updated about what was happening in your life. When you’d told her you were pregnant and who the father was, she’d tutted at you, shaking her head in disapproval.

'I coulda told you nothing good would come of messin’ with a Dixon boy.  Rotten to the core that family.’

Now you were bending her ear about a vacancy you’d seen, monitoring out of hours emergencies for a local veterinarian.  You’d have to sit in his office to take the calls, but by the time you had to leave, little William would be asleep, and you’d be back in time for his morning feed. Plus, due to the anti-social hours, the pay was pretty good.

'So, why don’t you go for it, honey?  Jobs like that don’t come up everyday.’

'Oh, I did go for it!  They’ve asked me to go in for an interview tomorrow afternoon.’

'So, what’s the problem?’

'Nobody’s free to watch William!  If I can’t even find somebody to sit with him for a couple of hours in the afternoon, how am I supposed to commit to an actual job?’  You sighed, aware of how whiney you sounded, but you couldn’t help it. You really wanted this.

'Well, you know I’d take him, but a liquor store’s no place for a baby.  We get some unsavoury characters in here.’

'I’ll watch 'im.’  A gravelly voice from somewhere at the back of the store broke into your conversation, and you looked round in confusion until Daryl appeared from behind a shelf, a shy smile on his face.  'William? That his name?’

'Yeah,’ you nodded.  'Named him after Willie Nelson.  He’s Pa’s favourite.’

Daryl approached the counter with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a six-pack of beer in the other, placing them down in front of Mrs B, then turning back to you.  'Ya said ya needed someone to watch 'im tomorrow?’

'Yeah,’ you admitted.  'I’ve got a job interview at two.  Shouldn’t take long.  You’re sure you don’t mind?’

He shrugged. 'Nah, s'nothin’.  Be nice to spend some time with the kid.’

'Daryl, that would just be…’  You struggled to find the words to express how grateful you were to him, eventually just settling for, 'Thank you.’

'Like I said, s'nothin’.’  He pulled a wrinkled note from his pocket and passed it to the older lady, picking up his purchases and turning to leave.  'See ya tomorrow, round half one?’

'Yes, perfect.  Thank you!’ you called after him as the door to the shop swung closed behind him.

Mrs B leant towards you, her face contorted with distaste.  'When I said unsavoury characters, that’s exactly who I meant.’

 

* * *

 

You were flustered as you rushed around your compact home, gathering anything you thought you mind need for the interview, and changing your outfit for the millionth time. You knew you were being ridiculous but you wanted this so badly and you knew that there was a lot riding on this first impression.  You were standing in front of your mirror, twisting and turning as you tried to figure out whether the pencil skirt you wore was too tight to be decent.  It had been shoved in the back of your wardrobe since before you’d gotten pregnant, and you hadn’t quite managed to shift all of the baby weight yet.  

A knock at the door had you glancing anxiously at the clock, not quite believing it was half one already, and yet that’s exactly what the hands were telling you: Daryl was right on time.

You pulled open the door to welcome him in, already turning your back and scurrying away, back to your room to finish scrutinising yourself in the mirror, running a brush through your tangled mane to try to smooth it down a little.

You heard him enter the room behind you and the creak of springs, glancing over your shoulder to see him leaning over William where he lay spread-eagled in the middle of the bed, kicking his little legs in the air.

'Damn, lil man, ya’ve gotten so big!’

A gurgley chuckle bubbled up from your son’s chest and you couldn’t hide the smile that crept over your face.

'He’s missed his Uncle Daryl.’

'Yeah, sorry I ain’t been around.  It ain’t easy with-’

'I know,’ you cut him off, not wanting to hear his brother’s name.  'I get it.  I really appreciate you being here today though.’

His eyes were still focused on his nephew but he nodded in acknowledgement.  'Ya ready for yer interview?

'I don’t know.’  You shuffled nervously in your heels, twisting your hands together as you tried to calm the butterflies in your tummy.  'Do I look ready?’

You’d been expecting a cursory glance and a noncommittal grunt, but found yourself frozen in place as Daryl’s eyes swept over you, starting at your black stilettos and scorching a trail up your smartly-dressed body until his eyes met yours. You felt your cheeks heat up at the hungry look in his eyes, your pulse pounding in your ears, as you became acutely aware of the way your too-small skirt clung to your curves, the flash of cleavage visible above the scoop neck of your blouse.  So much for calming those butterflies…

'Ya look pretty ready t’ me.’

It took you a moment to remember how to speak, your vulnerability on full show as you squeaked out, 'But what if they don’t like me?’

Daryl shrugged, his gaze still fixed on yours.  'Their loss, ain’t it.’

'Not really. I really want this job, Daryl.’

'Yeah, an’ I reckon you’d be great at it.  So if they can’t see that, it’s their loss.’  You sighed, leading him to continue.  'Half the people in this town won’ gimme a chance cos I’m a Dixon. Not one of 'em knows what I’m capable of.  Heck, even I don’t really know what I can do.  Maybe my brother’s right an’ I am good for nothin’, but not one person ever gave me the chance to find out.  S'their loss.’

You watched as the tips of his ears turned pink, his thumb raising to his mouth so he could gnaw on the nail, letting his eyes drift to the bedspread beneath him. You knew he was feeling uncomfortable and that you should change the subject but you just needed to tell him, 'You’re not good for nothing.’

His nod was almost imperceptible but you caught it and knew he’d heard you.

'Right, I gotta go.  There’s some formula made up in the fridge,’ you advised, relieved not for the first time that you’d already stopped breastfeeding, having never really gotten to grips with it.  'It just needs to be heated through.  I shouldn’t be too long.  My ma’s number’s on the fridge but she’s got visitors so don’t use it if you don’t have to. Is that okay?  D'you need to know anything else?’  You’d left the bedroom now, calling the information over your shoulder as you scooped up your bag and keys.

'Nah, we’re good.’  Daryl had followed you, William held upright against his chest.

'Okay. Okay.  Right.’  You took a deep breath, trying to calm your nerves, then stepped forward to press a gentle kiss to your son’s head.  

'See you later, sweetie’ you cooed before smiling at your sitter.  'Thanks again for doing this.’

'Ain’t nothin’.  Now go.’

 

* * *

 

You returned from the interview with a big grin plastered on your face, which only increased in size as you let yourself in through your front door only to be brought up short by Daryl, sprawled out on his back on the floor in the centre of the living room, his face peaceful as he slept, one hand steadying the baby that was laying on his chest, gurgling quietly.  You closed the door gently behind you so as not to disturb them and took a mental photograph of the moment, feeling strangely emotional at the image, knowing that this might be what life was like of William had a real father, if you’d chosen the right Dixon.  But Daryl hadn’t wanted you, you reminded yourself.  He’d never made a move, and so you’d turned to the other brother, hoping that he might also have hidden depths.  He hadn’t.  

You kicked off your shoes, rubbing the balls of your aching feet, then dropped down to sit at Daryl’s side, your legs tucked up under you.  William squirmed against his chest, reaching a chubby hand in your direction, and you met it with your own, giggling quietly as he grabbed hold of your finger and clasped it tightly.

'That’s right, baby boy.  Mama’s home.’

Your voice caused Daryl to stir slightly, but he quickly settled again, tightening his hold on his nephew who stilled in response and yawned.  You ran your finger down his cheek and gently poked his little button nose, returning the smile it elicited, even as his eyelids began to droop. Seconds later, he too was asleep, comforted by the warm body that cradled him.  

Your eyes ran over Daryl’s body, mindful of how his had swept over yours earlier that afternoon, your cheeks flushing at the memory.  You’d forced yourself to let the moment go, but now that you had the chance to study him as he’d studied you, you wondered if there’d been something behind the heat in his gaze.  His jeans sat low on his slim hips, a sliver of taut stomach on show above his belt, a strip of dark hair disappearing under the denim.  His barrel chest strained the buttons of his shirt beneath your son’s head, his broad shoulders giving away his strength, the defined muscles of his arms revealed by his cut-off sleeves.  His hair had fallen into his eyes as he slept, and you longed to reach out and brush it away.

Before you could stop yourself, you’d curled yourself gently against his side, reaching out a hand to meet his on William’s back, smiling as his fingers automatically linked through yours.  His breathing didn’t falter as you settled down, a sense of calm washing over you as you imagined, just for a second, what it would be like to be a real family. The excitement of the day had taken its toll on you, and you felt your eyelids grow heavy as sleep washed over you.

When you woke, Daryl was gone, and you’d been placed gently on the couch with a blanket over you.  William was beside you on the floor in his carrier, and there was another bundle of cash tucked in beside him.

 

* * *

 

You were pacing back and forth excitedly as you waited for a knock at the door a few days later.  You’d left word with Mrs B that you needed to see Daryl, unable to contact him directly without making things difficult with Merle, and knowing that he paid a visit to the liquor store most days to stock up on supplies for his Pa and his brother.

When the knock finally came, you wrenched open the door, ignoring the surprise on his face as you announced, 'I got it!  I got the job!’

'Wow!’ He sounded happy for you, and you were glad you’d invited him over to tell him in person rather than letting him find out through the grapevine.  'That’s great!  I knew ya could do it.’

His body tensed as you threw your arms round his neck, and you cut short the hug as you noted his discomfort.

'Thank you, Daryl.  I couldn’t have done it without you.’

'Ya don’ need t’ thank me.  Was glad to do it.’  He shuffled his feet nervously, glancing at the ground before asking, 'So, when d'ya start? What are the hours like?  D'ya need someone to watch the kid?’

'Oh no, Daryl, I can’t ask you to do that.  It’s too much!  I’m just gonna speak to Ma and see if we can work something out.’

'Well, ya can do that if ya’d rather, but I ain’t got nothin’ better t’ do.  'Sides, it’s kinda nice t’ have an excuse to hang out with my nephew without gettin’ in yer way.’

'Really? Are you sure?  I don’t want you to feel you have to-’

'Really. What are the hours?’

'Well, it’s night shifts, so it’ll be Tuesdays, eight thirty 'til six, then the same on Wednesdays, plus two Saturdays a month.  I start next week.’

He nodded. 'So, I’ll come round Tuesday at eight then?’

'Are you sure?’

His sigh told you he was and you smiled gratefully at him.  'Thank you, Daryl.  You have just made my life so much easier.’

'Ain’t nothin’.  It’s actually kinda nice to have somewhere to get away, y'know.’

'Well, you can do that anytime.  Seriously, pop in whenever.  You won’t be in the way, I promise.’

'I don’t wan-’

'You’re William’s uncle, Daryl.  You’re family.  If you want to be in his life, then I want you to be.  In fact,’ you made a spur of the moment decision.  'Why don’t you come over tonight and I’ll cook dinner?  It can be my way of saying thank you and you can celebrate with me.’

You waited to see his reaction, sure that he would turn you down, but were pleasantly surprised to see that he was nodding, squinting at you from behind his fringe. 'Yeah, alright.’

'About seven?’

He nodded again, stepping back from the door and turning to leave.  'See ya then.’

You watched his retreating back as he walked away, the butterflies you’d felt a few days ago back in force.

 

* * *

 

Back in front of your mirror, you sighed, assessing your outfit with a critical eye. It had all been going to plan - there was a pan of pasta sauce bubbling away on the stove, a chuck-it-all-in bolognese which was really more veg than meat at this point, you’d laid the table intending to eat there rather than on the sofa as you usually did, and you’d styled your hair into a neat french plait, slipping into a cute little summer dress which you had hoped was pretty enough to flaunt your assets, but still casual enough to not look over the top.

Cue one projectile vomiting episode later and, although dinner was nearly ready, you were forced to start from scratch.  William had even managed to splash your hair so, with 10 minutes to spare, you had hopped in the shower, breaking all records for speed, and were now towel drying your locks, whilst dressed in your only remaining clean pair of trousers, some grey joggers that tapered in at the ankle, and a white v-neck tee.  Super casual it is then.

You heard a knock at the door and threw your towel aside, running your fingers through the front strands so that they’d frame your face and hopefully distract from the mess that was going on over the rest of your head.

When you opened the door though, all feelings of insecurity disappeared, as Daryl ran his eyes over you and gave a crooked smile.  He was in the same clothes he’d been in earlier, and you were suddenly glad of your rushed outfit change.  

'Hey, come on in,’ you greeted him, opening the door fully and motioning for him to step inside.  He was holding a bottle of whiskey in his hand, and offered it over to you as he moved past you into the living room.  'Oh, thank you.  What’s this for?’

'We’re celebratin’, ain’t we?’

You laughed, placing the bottle on the table and fetching two glasses from the cupboard. 'I guess we are.’

'Where’s the lil man?’

'I put him down about a half hour ago,’ you explained.  'Figured we might at least get through dinner before he starts crying for attention!’

'Mind if I look in on 'im?’

You smiled at the affection in Daryl’s eyes and nodded, watching as he disappeared down the corridor, the floor creaking under his weight as he crossed William’s bedroom.  Hearing the whisper of his voice over the baby monitor, you turned it up, curious to hear what he was saying to your son.

'Tha’s right, bud.  I’m gon’ spend some time with yer ma.  She’s lookin’ real pretty tonight, lil man, yer real lucky ya got 'er.  An’ next time I come round I’m gon’ bring ya a mobile to hang over this bed o’ yours.  All kids should have somethin’ cool to look at while they’re fallin’ asleep, right?’

You felt shivers run through you as you listened to him speaking softly to the sleeping boy, struck once again by how lucky you were that William seemed to have hit the jackpot in the uncle lottery.  As you heard Daryl moving back in your direction, you hastily reached back over to the monitor, turning it down just as he appeared round the corner, moving to stand beside you as you checked the pasta to see if it was boiling.

'About five minutes for food, that okay?’

'Sure. Ya want a drink?’

'Please,’ you nodded, watching as he removed the cap from the bottle and poured a finger of the amber liquid into both glasses.  As he handed it to you, you met his eyes and smiled shyly.  'Thank you, Daryl.’

’S'just whiskey.’

'I meant for everything.  For what you’ve been doing for me.  For how you are with my boy.  You don’t know what it means.’

'Yeah, well, somebody’s got to look out for ya.  My brother’s a jackass for doin’ what he did.’

You were surprised to hear Daryl speak about Merle that way, having never heard him make any negative comments about his brother before.  

'I thought you guys were close.’

'We are, but that don’ mean I gotta agree with e'rything he does.  The way he treated ya…  Damn, if I was yer pa, I’d o’ hunted him down with my rifle 'fore now.’

'It’s okay,’ you lied, not meeting his eyes, until he leaned into the direction of your vacant stare, forcing you to look at him.  'Alright, it’s not okay.  It sucked. I don’t think I’ve ever been as scared as I was when Merle slammed that door in my face when I told him I was pregnant, but y'know what?  He gave me the single best thing I have ever had in my life, and I can’t hate him for that.’

'I get it. He’s still a jackass though.’

'Oh, I’ll drink to that.’

Silence fell as you both took a swig of your liquor, Daryl’s eyes on your back as you pottered about the kitchen, draining the pasta and tossing it in the sauce. As you divided it into two bowls, you heard Daryl settle at the table behind you, his eyes eager as he took in the food that you placed in front of him.

'Damn, girl, you can cook.’

'Mama taught me good!’

You both laughed, and the conversation flowed as you ate, though you were conscious that you did most of the talking.  As you ate, you drank, and you could feel the tell-tale whiskey blur creeping over your vision, a sure-fire sign that you were well on the way to being good and drunk. You knew Daryl could tell too, as he laughed when you stumbled over your words, and, inhibitions lowered by the alcohol, you laughed with him.

'I’m so sorry,’ you slurred.  'I haven’t had this much to drink in… A long time.’

’S'okay. It’s kinda nice seein’ ya let yer hair down.  Y'always look so strung out.’

'It’s called being a mom I think.’

'Well, I got yer back tonight.  I can stay if ya want me too, look out for the boy if he wakes up.’

You started to object, not wanting him to feel obligated, but the idea of him staying the night was too much like the image of the perfect family that you’d created in your head for you to let him go.

'Thank you,’ you husked, leaning across the table to grasp his hand, ignoring the way his muscles tensed at the physical contact.  'I don’t know what I’d have done without you, Daryl.’

'You’d o’ been fine, Y/N.  Yer a rockstar 'n’ ya know it.’

Your eyes lingered on his, before drifting to his mouth, imagining nibbling on his bottom lip as he was doing right now.  Stop it, you chided yourself. Not the time.

You pushed yourself up from the table, picking up the bottle and your glass and backing towards the couch.  

'Come and be comfortable with me.’

With a smirk, Daryl got to his feet and followed you, dropping down beside you as you sunk into the cushions.  

'Can I ask you something, Daryl?’

'Depends what it is.’

'How are you like you are?’

'What d'ya mean?’

'Well, it’s just… You’re so nice.  You’re kind, and you’re generous, and you always try to do the right thing by people. And I don’t understand how you ended up that way, because your Ma died when you were so young, and your Pa and your brother… They’re redneck scoundrels.  I mean, how do people like that raise a man like you?’

He was picking at a loose thread on his jeans as you spoke, refusing to meet your eyes, but, when you finished, he glanced up at you.

'I ain’t what ya think I am.  I ain’t like ya said.’

'You are, Daryl.’

'No, I ain’t. I mean, I try, I do, with people that matter t’ me, like you an’ the kid, but… I mean, that money I left for ya, ya gotta know it’s drug money, right?’

'I kinda figured.  It doesn’t matter though.  We needed that money, and I know I keep saying it, but I really honestly don’t know what we would have done without you.’

You could tell he was uncomfortable so you changed the subject, shifting closer to him so that you could rest your head on his shoulder, feeling his body recoil from your touch, but refusing to move until he eventually settled.  

'So, where does Merle think you are when you’re coming round here?’

'Merle’s usually too out of it to care these days.’

'Things that bad, huh?’

'They’ve been better.  Ever wish ya could trade ya family in for a new one?’

'Not really. My family are pretty great,’ you admitted.  'And you’re part of it now.  One of us. You can always come here, Daryl.’

You felt him nod, as he took another sip of his drink.  'Don’ know how the rest of 'em would feel about that.’

'Oh, it isn’t you they’re mad at, it’s your brother.’

'Same difference. I’m a Dixon.’

'Well, they’ll just have to get over it,’ you stated, holding your empty glass aloft, as if trying to puzzle out where the liquid inside had disappeared to.  'Hell, if I’d have had my way, that baby would’ve been yours and we’d have been married by now, and they would’ve just had to get used to the idea.’

You felt Daryl stiffen beside you, as you replayed what you’d just said and cursed inwardly, aware that the alcohol had loosened your tongue a little too much. 'Shit, I’m sorry, I-’

’S'okay. Yer drunk, right?  Forget it.’

'No, that’s not what I meant.  I mean, I meant it, but I shouldn’t have said anything because you’ve made it pretty damn clear that you’re not interested, and-’

'When did I do that?’

'Erm, when you ignored every hint I dropped for you over the last like, two years!’

'What are ya talkin’ about?  I always thought ya was in t’ Merle.’

'God no, I always thought Merle was an ass,’ you admitted, figuring it was best to just be honest at this point.  'It was always you I wanted, Daryl.  Merle was just…  Just a mistake.'  

The man beside you grunted, then fell silent, the tension between you palpable.  You had this awful instinct that you’d just ruined everything, and yet you couldn’t help but hope, feeling the desperate need to push the situation just a little bit further.  Placing your glass on the floor, you swung your leg over Daryl to straddle him, settling yourself in his lap and, before he could react, locking your arms around his neck.

'This is what I wanted,’ you whispered, lacing your fingers into his hair to pull his face closer.  'This is what I always wanted.’

Your lips met in a chaotic clash of teeth and tongues, as Daryl’s hands wound into your hair to hold you in place as he devoured you.  You could feel the heat between you rising, as he caught your lip between his teeth causing you to whimper against his mouth, before pulling away and attacking your throat, using his grip on your loose waves to tilt your head back and give him the access he desired.  The force of his kisses was bruising, almost too painful to feel good, and you pulled his lips back to yours, sinking into him, unable to stifle the moan that crept up your throat.  He tasted like whiskey and cigarettes, and you couldn’t get enough.

All to soon, he was pulling away from you, his grip moving to your hips, half-lifting you off of his legs as he deposited you on the other end of the couch.

'No, Y/N, we can’t do this.’

'Why not?’ you whined, reaching for him again but he held up a hand to stop you.  'This is good, Daryl, this is so good.’

'It can’t be good.  Yer Merle’s ex.’

'I’m not his ex, though, not really.  We weren’t together, we just fucked a few times.  That doesn’t count.’  Your voice was pleading, needy, and you hated the way that sounded, but you couldn’t stop it.

'Yeah, maybe, but ya had his kid, Y/N.  That means we can’t do this.’

'His kids he’s never even laid eyes on?’ you snapped, your eyes blazing with anger now, stung by his rejection. 'He doesn’t deserve our loyalty, Daryl!’

'He’s my brother.’

'And what am I, exactly?’  You ignored his heavy sigh, intent on pressing the issue.  'What am I to you, Daryl?  Tell me that!  Answer me that one question and I’ll back off!’

'Yer the mother of my nephew.’  His voice was monotone, and he refused to look at you as he spoke.  'Yer family.  We can’t do this.’

You sat back with a huff, recognising that you weren’t getting anywhere with him, but still burning with the anger that had taken an easy hold over you in your drunken state.

'You can leave now.’

'I ain’t goin’ nowhere.  Yer drunk an’ ya need someone here to keep an eye on yer boy.’

'Fine, then I’ll go.’  You got up from the couch, tripping over your own feet as you headed to the counter to grab your bag and keys.  

When you turned towards the front door, Daryl was blocking you, his broad shoulders an effective barrier to your exit.  'Y'ain’t goin’ nowhere either.’

As your rage boiled over, you threw your bag at his feet, your keys landing with a clatter on the wooden floor, and flounced down the corridor to your room, slamming the door behind you.  You slipped out of your clothes, muttering curses under your breath as you replayed the kiss and the aftermath in your head.  You felt sure that you would lie awake all night, you were that riled up, but as soon as your head hit the pillow, you fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Rays of morning sun streaming in through your window woke you, and you cracked open one eye, grimacing at the bright light, and pulling the cover over your head.  Your mouth was dry, and your head felt delicate and achey, as if the slightest movement could cause it to begin pounding.  Memories of the night before raced back as you squeezed your eyes closed again, your stomach churning as you relived the kiss and the fight that followed.  

‘Oh God.’

You slowly eased yourself into a sitting position, glancing over at the clock on your bedside table and doing a double take when you read the time as nine A.M.  You never slept that late.  William usually had you up at the crack of dawn.

William…

You leapt out of bed, racing out of your door and into your son’s room, panic flooding through you as you found it empty.  The nausea of your hangover was replaced by a completely different feeling of sickness, as you hurled yourself back into the corridor and skidded into the kitchen, relief washing over you as you found Daryl sitting at the kitchen table, cradling William in one arm as the little boy sucked eagerly on a bottle of formula.

‘Shit,’ you breathed, falling heavily into the chair opposite, and leaning your head on the table.  'I thought you’d have left, and then William wasn’t in his room…’

‘Reckoned you could use the sleep.  Thought I’d get this one up 'n’ fed for ya.’

'Thank you,’ you muttered, refusing to lift your head up and meet his eyes.  'But I’m up now so you can go.  Really.’

'Don’ ya wan’ talk 'bout last night?’

'Not really, no.’

'Y/N…’

'Look, I get it, Daryl.  You don’t want me.  Please, let’s not have this conversation again, okay?’

'It ain’t personal, Y/N.  I like ya, I do.  I more than like ya, but… I can’t do it to Merle.’

'I know.’  And you did.  Now sober, you could completely understand that you’d put Daryl in an impossible position the night before, and knew it hadn’t been fair of you.  This morning, you were mostly just embarrassed, and wanted him to leave so you could wallow in your shame.

'I don’ want this to change things.  I still wan’ t’ help ya with this one.’  He bounced William gently, causing him to giggle.  'I still wan’ t’ be in his life, an’ yers.’

'You will be.  You can be.  I’m just…’ You sighed.  'I’m embarrassed, Daryl.  I should never have thrown myself at you like that, and I’m really sorry.’

’S'okay.  I kinda liked it.’  He smirked at you, and you kicked him under the table.  'Nah, seriously, if I could be wha’ ya wan’ me to be, I would, but it’s just… It’s too complicated.’

'I know.  You’re right.’

'So, we’re alright then?’

'Yeah, we’re alright.  Let’s just forget it ever happened, okay?’

He nodded.  'Ya wan’ me to take care of lil’ man while ya take a shower?’

'Oh my God, you are my favourite person ever.  You sure you got time?’

'Course.  Go.’

Alone in the shower, you scrubbed your skin clean, sluicing away the alcohol that seemed to be oozing from your pores.  You tried to wash away the feeling of Daryl’s lips on yours too, of his hands tangled in your hair, and your body pressed against his, but that was too deeply ingrained to be sent spiralling down the drain.

 

* * *

 

You fell into an easy routine with Daryl, both of you pushing aside your drunken night and focusing your love and attention on William.  He turned up every Tuesday and Wednesday, as promised, watching your son through the night, and managed to sit for you on the Saturdays that you were required on duty too.  It made you happy to not have to rely on your parents for childcare, and you knew it did Daryl good to get some space from his pa and brother.  You didn’t make enough to pay him for his time, so instead you always ensured that there was a home-cooked meal in the oven when he arrived, and a couple of beers in the fridge.  The arrangement suited both of you, but you were still a little nervous to ask him for a favour.

'Erm, Daryl,’ you began hesitantly, as you rummaged in your bag to check that you had everything you needed before you headed out for your shift.  'Can I ask you something?  You don’t have to say yes, I promise.’

'Sure, what is it?’  He was sprawled on the couch with William balanced on his knee, watching as you tore around the house getting ready.  

'I was wondering if you could stop by on Friday night and watch William for a couple of hours?’

'Sure.  Why?  They got ya workin’ overtime or somethin’?’

You paused in your actions, avoiding his gaze as you answered.  'Actually, I… I have a date.’

'Oh.’  You felt tension erupt immediately between you, and snuck a peek at him to see his eyes focused on your son, his expression blank, though his silence gave away his discomfort.

'Yeah, it’s a guy from work.  He’s training to be a vet, and we got talking the other night when he got back from a visit.  He seems nice so I thought, why not, right?’

In truth, you’d been extremely unsure about saying yes to Michael.  It was true, he did seem nice, and he obviously had good prospects which you needed to consider when you had a child to support, but your little life with Daryl had become so comfortable.  You had almost fallen into an easy non-relationship with him, a sort of couple that didn’t touch or kiss or openly admit that they were together, and it would be so easy to stay in that rut with him forever, but you knew that it wasn’t enough.  You needed somebody that wasn’t afraid to love you, and going on a date with someone else was the first step in breaking the hold that Daryl had over you.  

'Right, why not?’  Daryl cleared his throat, and finally looked up at you, a forced smile on his face.  'I’m happy for ya.’

'Thanks,’ you murmured, his gaze hypnotic as you stood above him.

'Yer gon’ be late.’

'Shit, yes.’  You bent down and pressed a kiss to William’s head, ruffling his fine tufty hair before backing away and heading for the door.  'Thank you!’

'Y/N.’  You stopped at the sound his voice and turned to face him, watching as a kaleidoscope of emotions passed over his expression.  'I, er… I really hope it works out for ya.  Ya deserve to be happy.’

'Apparently not,’ you muttered, watching as his brow furrowed.  'But I’ll settle for secure.’

 

* * *

 

As Friday rolled around, the tremor of nerves that you’d been feeling for the last few days grew completely out of proportion.  You were a wreck, pacing back and forth discarding outfit after outfit, and styling your hair over and over again.  You nearly called to cancel several times, but were stopped by the thought of still having to face Michael at work.  You pictured your evenings with Daryl, comfortable and familiar, and wished that things between you could be different, but you knew they couldn’t.  And so, when Daryl knocked on your door that evening, you answered it dressed in jeans and a loose black chiffon top with a low v-neck, your feet crammed in to your black boots with the spiky heels.  Your hair hung in a loose wave over your shoulder, and your make-up, which you’d spent ages over, gave you the natural look.  

'Woah,’ Daryl’s eyes roamed over you, taking in your appearance as his mouth dropped open.  'Ya look amazin’.’

'Thanks,’ you smiled, stepping aside to let him in.  'And thank you for watching William for me.’

'Sure, ain’t nothin’.  Ya doin’ okay?’  You knew he’d be able to sense your fear, even with all the effort you’d put in to covering it up in front of him.

'Not really,’ you admitted.  'I’m pretty terrified actually.’

'How come?’

'Daryl, I haven’t done this in a really long time.  I’m not sure I even remember how to date.’

'Just be yaself,’ he reassured you.  'He’ll see how lucky he is to be out with ya.’

'Thank you.’  You moved towards him to wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him in for a hug, feeling his hand come up to rest on the small of your back.  It wasn’t much, but it was progress.  Other than the kiss you’d shared, Daryl was still uncomfortable with physical contact.  'Right, I better go.  I’m gonna be late.’

'He ain’t pickin’ ya up?’

'No, I… I thought it might be weird so I told him I’d meet him at the restaurant.’

'Right.’

'Okay, William’s been down for about an hour but he’ll probably wake up for a feed around-’

'Around eleven, I know.  Get out o’ here.’

'Right, thank you.  Bye!’  You turned away from comfortable and familiar and stepped out into the cold evening, heading for the new and unknown.

 

* * *

 

Stepping inside, you closed the door quietly behind you, leaning back against it and reaching down to unzip your boots, kicking them off and sighing in relief as you wiggled your pinched toes.  When you straightened up, Daryl was standing in front of you, his appraising gaze running up your body.  

'Ya drunk?’

'No.’

'Yer late.

'I know.’

'How was it?’

'It was okay.’

'Jus’ okay?’

'I don’t know, Daryl.  It was… It was fine.’

'Yer stayed out this late for fine?’

'What are you?  My father?’

'Sorry.’  He dropped his gaze to the floor, scuffing the toe of his boot against the laminate.  'Din’t realise it’d be this hard.’

'I know,’  you sighed.  'He was nice, y'know, he was great, but… he wasn’t you.’

'Yer gon’ see him again?’

'Yeah, I think so.’

'But ya just said-’

'I need to get over you, Daryl.  I need to move on.  You can’t give me what I need.’

'What do ya need?’

'I need someone to love me, Daryl.  Someone to want me and need me.  I need what all women need.’

'Well, ya got that.’

'No, I don’t.  If you can’t admit it outside of these walls, if we can’t tell anybody, if I can’t reach out and touch you, then I don’t have it.’

In seconds, he had closed the distance between you until you were almost touching, the warmth emanating from him a blissful contrast to the cool wood of the door against your back.  

'Ya know I can’t change this.’

'I know.’

'Ya know I would if I could.’

'I know that too.’

'Ya know how much I wan’ kiss ya right now?’

'I…’  You tailed off, losing yourself in his intense gaze as you processed his words, your eyes drifting down to focus on his lips, your vision blurring as he leaned into you.  

This kiss was different to the first, more tentative, exploring each other’s mouths languorously, his hands slipping around your waist and drawing you tight against him.  He broke the kiss first, pulling away and leaning his forehead against yours, panting heavily as he took in your glazed eyes and flushed cheeks.  'I’m sorry.’

You felt your heart shatter into pieces at his words, the tiny flame of hope that had swelled in your chest fully extinguished by the whispered apology.  You pushed him away with trembling hands, and tried to keep your voice even.  'You can’t do this to me, Daryl.  It isn’t fair.’

'I know.’

'And you can’t expect me to put my life on hold while I wait for something that you can’t give me.’

'I know that too.’

'I kissed Michael tonight.’  You saw the hurt in his eyes, but you had to tell him.

'How was it?’

'Not even half as good as that,’ you husked.  'But it was nice.  It might be enough.’

'Ya deserve better than nice.’

'We don’t always get what we deserve.’

You pushed past him, not aggressively, but with purpose, and you felt his stare piercing you as you tiptoed down the corridor and slipped into your bedroom, listening for the click of the front door as he left.

 

* * *

 

Your relationship with Michael grew steadily.  You made a point of trying to spend an evening with him at least once a week, though you’d started asking your ma to sit with William whilst you were out, uncomfortable asking Daryl to watch him whilst you were on a date, knowing that it wasn’t fair on either of you.  You introduced him to William too, watching closely to see how he interacted with your baby boy, and feeling more secure knowing that he was so good with him.  It wasn’t the same adoring look that Daryl got in his eye when he held his nephew, but you couldn’t expect it to be that early on.  It was a start, and you were content.

A couple of months after you’d started seeing each other more seriously, a decision you’d come to after waking up beside Michael for the first time, he sprang a question on you that turned your whole world upside down, and now you were having to address it with Daryl, knowing that, having not kept him updated with how your relationship was progressing, it would seem out of the blue.

'So, I need to talk to you about something.’  It was early Tuesday morning and you’d just arrived home from work to find Daryl cooking breakfast for you, bacon sizzling in the pan in front of him.  'Can you… Can you just come and sit down for a minute?’

'Sure.’  His brow furrowed with concern as he took the pan from the heat and set it to one side, joining you at the table as you wrung your hands, trying to find the words to tell him what you needed to say.  'What is it?’

'Okay.’  You took a deep breath, and hesitated before launching in to your news.  'So, you know Michael’s been training down here?  Well, he’s actually pretty much finished, and he’s opening up a practice of his own.  Thing is, he’s actually moving up to North Carolina to do it, 'cause that’s where his family are, and…  Daryl, he’s asked me to go with him.’

'What?’

'He wants me to move up there with him, with William, to start a new life together.  He wants us to be a family.’

'Y/N, yer haven’t been seeing the guy longer than a few months.  What the hell?’

'I know.  I know it’s fast, but… this would be really good for me, Daryl, and for William.  It’s a fresh start.  You agreed that you wanted him to get out of this town.’

'Yeah, I meant when he grew up.  I din’t wan’ him to get stuck here like I am.’  He kicked his chair back from the table, stalking around the kitchen as he ran his hands through his hair.  

'And I don’t want that either, and this is my chance to give him a better life!’

'A life without me in it, y'mean.’

'No,’ you backpedalled desperately, hating how the conversation was running away from you.  'No, that’s not what I mean at all.  It’s not that far, not really, and I’d come back and visit my folks so it’s not like we’d never see each other.’

'Nah, but it wouldn’ be the same, would it?  Jesus, Y/N, I can’t believe yer just springin’ this on me an’ expectin’ me to be okay with it.  Doesn’ it matter what I think?’

'No.’  You whispered the word, but it echoed around the room like a scream, bringing him up short as he paced.  'You’re not his father, Daryl.’

He jerked like you’d slapped him, silence falling as his face contorted with rage.  

'Yer seriously gon’ throw that in my face after e'rything I’ve done for ya?  Yer actually gon’ throw away e'rything we got here for the first jackass that flashes his cash at ya?’

'Daryl-’

'Y'ain’t nothin’ but a whore, y'know that?’  His voice was a low snarl and you felt tears spring to your eyes as his words cut through you like a blade.  'Y'ain’t doin’ this to build a family.  Yer doin’ it cos it means y'ain’t got t’ cope on yer own no more.  'Cept ya weren’t ever on yer own, were ya?  I’ve been here, Y/N, for e'rything, an’ yer jus’ gon’ take him away from me.’

'I have to, Daryl!’  You were shouting now, frustration and confusion and rage combining into something toxic and brutal.  'I can’t carry on like this!  You are here, you’re right!  You’re here all the damn time, and I’m trying to fall out of love with you, really, I’m trying so hard, and I can’t do it when you’re everywhere I look!’

The tension between you was broken by a wail from the other room, your baby boy unhappy at being woken by your raised voices.  You stood to go to him, but found yourself stopped by Daryl’s hand on your arm, his fingers biting into your skin.  'I got 'im.’

'Daryl-’

'I said I got 'im.  Yer takin’ him away from me.  Let me do this.’

All of the fight went out of you, and you let him pass, waiting until he’d slipped into William’s room before exhaling loudly and slumping against the kitchen counter, rubbing your hands over your eyes to wipe away the tears that were still threatening to fall.  

You were still in that position when he reappeared, having settled his nephew back down, whispering quietly to him until he drifted back to sleep.  You felt rather than saw him enter the kitchen, refusing to lift your head and look at him, not wanting to see the hurt and betrayal on his face.  His touch on your cheek startled you as he brushed your hair back and tucked it behind your ear, and you realised that you had no choice but to meet his gaze.  

'When ya goin’?’

'This weekend.’

'Shit.’  His hand dropped to his side, and you reached for it, linking your fingers through his.

'Daryl, I’m so sorry.  You know I didn’t want things to be like this.’

'I know.  Ya know if I could I’d-’

'I know.’

'But, Merle-’

'I know.’

'I could love ya, if I let myself.’

'It’s too late, Daryl.  You can’t say that to me right now.  I can’t stay.’

'I know.’

You sighed in unison, your eyes locked on each other as he took another step towards you, reaching up to cup your face and stroke away the tears that were now falling freely.  

'Daryl…’

His mouth was millimetres away from yours, his lips begging to be kissed, his eyes closing as you breathed each other in.  You closed the gap between your faces, brushing your lips gently against his, once… twice… three times, before pulling away.  

'Goodbye, Daryl Dixon.  I’m sure gonna miss you.’

His head was still bowed, his eyes hidden behind his fringe, as he nodded slowly.  And then he turned and walked away from you, moving across the kitchen towards the door.  You knew you could call out to him, to beg him not to leave, to wrap yourself around him and let him convince you to stay, to let things continue as they had been, your own little dysfunctional family unit, but you didn’t.  You knew that his loyalty to his brother would trump any other feelings he might have, that you would always be pushed aside to protect Merle’s feelings, and you couldn’t live like that, you wouldn’t.  God bless the girl that managed to penetrate Daryl Dixon’s heart, you thought, the girl that managed to show him that he was a far better man than his brother could ever hope to be.  You hoped he would find her one day, but you weren’t her and it was time to take your life in a different direction, to get away from the past and forge a new future for yourself and your son.  

You moved silently into William’s room, leaning over him in his crib and ghosting a kiss over his little pudgy cheek.  As he aged, he was looking more and more like a Dixon, and you knew that one day you’d look him in the eye and see his uncle staring back at you, but that wasn’t today.  Today, you knew you were making the right decision and it gave you the strength to let Daryl go, no matter how much your heart ached for him.  

'Looks like it’s just you and me, buddy,’ you spoke softly to your boy, watching his chest rise and fall with each breath as he slept soundly.  'Mama’s going to make sure you get the life you deserve.’  Even if it meant making the biggest sacrifice herself.


End file.
